Humor

All of these may not be funny to everyone... but some of them are funny to everyone.

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AAADD - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

Read more: A.A.A.D.D. - Age...

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From John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

Read more: Alerts To Threats...

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Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, then graduate and medical degrees in his home town, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.  As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted stentoriously.  The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberating down the hall!   He was appallingly embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.  He ignored the applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Read more: Dr Epstein

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Let me get this straight....  We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't, which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, who have recently demonstrated their objective and professional integrity; written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a Dumbo President who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac, and the Post Office all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!

'What the hell could possibly go wrong?'

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A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

Read more: Marital Trust

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I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?".

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's President's Day!".

She's smart, so I asked her "What does President's Day mean?".

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

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There was a new driver for the bus on Sesame Street. His first day on the job, he awoke bright and early, went to the garage, got the bus, and set off on his route.

At the first stop there was a chubby little girl waiting for the bus. She climbed the step and got on, and said, 'Hi. My name is Patty.'

The driver replied, 'Hi, Patty. Please take a seat.'

At the second stop there was a second little girl, even chubbier than the first. She got on and said, 'Good morning! My name's Patty.'

Read more: Sesame Street Bus

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This is a portion of National Public Radio  (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General  Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military  installation. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So,  General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when  they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going  to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.  

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit  irresponsible, isn't  it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be  properly supervised on the rifle  range.

Read more: Guns, Kids and...

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Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self righteously.

"Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other.

"What was her maiden name?"