All of these may not be funny to everyone... but some of them are funny to everyone.
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.Read more: Economics clearly...
He said one day, "It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group."
A few choice Dave Feherty quotes are below. If you watch golf on TV, he's often an announcer with a distinct Northern Ireland accent and a colorful way of putting things, . . . so to speak.
Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind ...Read more: David Feherty -...
A Texas Air Traffic Control Conversation:
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."Read more: Texas Air Traffic...
- 1 cup butter
- 1 or 2 quarts rum
- 1 tsp sugar
- 1 cup brown sugar
- 2 large eggs
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1 cup dried fruit
- lemon juice to taste
- 1 tsp salt
- chopped nuts to taste
Before you start, sample the rum and check for good quality. Good, isn't it?
Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cups, spatula, etc. (Check that rum again for quality. It must be just right! Try it again.)
With an electric beater, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again. (Meanwhile, make certain that rum is of best quality.)
Add two large eggs and two cups of dried fruit and beat until very high. If fruit gets stuck in the beater, pry it out with a screwdriver. (Sample rum again, checking for consistency.)
Next, sift in three (2) cups of baking powder and add a pinch of rum, one seaspoon of soda and one cupa papper...(or maybe salt?) Anyway, don't fret, just taste that rum again. Good stuff.
Next, sift in a half pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped buttermilk and strained nuts. Sample rum again.
Now, one bablespoon srown sugar, or whatever color is around. Mix. Well.
Grease your oven and turn cake pans to 359F. Now, pour the whole mixture into the oven ... (HONEY? WHERE'S THE MOP??)
On second thought, forget the oven, pitch the cake and check the rest of the rum. Bo to ged.
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."Read more: Forrest Gump Dies
Following is a letter sent to the Secretary of Agriculture:
Dear Mr. Secretary:
My friend Bordereaux received a $1,000 check from the government for not raising hogs, and so I am going into the not-raising-hogs business.
What I want to know is, what is the best kind of land not to raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise razorback, but if this is not the best kind not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Poland Chinas.
The hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an individual record on each of the hogs I do not raise.
My friend Bordereaux has been rasing hogs for more than 20 years and the most he ever made was $400 in 1918, until this year when he received $1,000 for not rasing hogs. Now, if I get $1,000 for not rasing 50 hogs, I will get $2,000 for not rasing 100 hogs, etc.
I plan to start off on a small scale, holding myself down to not rasing 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive $80,000.
Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn. Will you pay me for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn, which I will not feed to the hogs which I am not raising?
I want to get started as soon as possible, as this looks like a good time of year for not raising hogs.
Yours very truly,
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins - and they're all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday"
The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark.
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. OK, said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.Read more: Noah and the Ark