Humor

All of these may not be funny to everyone... but some of them are funny to everyone.

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Perfect Fit

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.  Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

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It's Lent

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

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Dog Joke

Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.

The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??"

"Somersaults."

"Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?"

"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick him in the butt!"

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Common Sense

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source.  Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

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This is another snippet of American students' views of history.
 
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. If he were alive today, he would be celebrating the 160th anniversary of his death.

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
 
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
 
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
 
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
 
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
 
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
 
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
 
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
 
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
 
Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
 
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
 
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
 
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
 
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
 
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"