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Better Than Biscuits
A visiting Preacher was attending a men’s breakfast in Ohio Farm Country. He asked one of the impressive older farmers in attendance to say grace that morning. After all were seated, the older farmer began——
“Lord, I hate buttermilk”
The Preacher opened one eye and wondered to himself where this was going.
Then the farmer loudly proclaimed, “Lord, I hate lard.”
Now the Preacher was overly worried.
However without missing a beat, the farmer prayed on, “And Lord, you know I don’t care much for raw white flour.”
Just as the Preacher was ready to stand and stop everything, the farmer continued,
“But Lord, when you mix ‘em all together and bake ‘em up, I do love
fresh biscuits.
So Lord, when things come up we don’t like, when
life gets hard, when we just don’t understand what you are sayin’ to
us, we just need to relax and wait ‘till You are done mixin’, and
probably it will be somethin’ even better than biscuits.
Amen.”
Jose and Carlos
Every day, Jose and Carlos stand at the freeway exit ramp, panhandling. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and still has plenty of cash to spend. Carlos only brings in a few dollars a day.
One day, Carlos asks Jose how he gets so much money. Jose tells Carlos, "Look at your sign." Carlos' sign reads: No job - wife & 6 kids to support. Then Jose tells him, "Look at my sign." Jose's sign reads: Only need $10.00 to move back to Mexico.
Submitted by: Janet N.
Note from bin Laden
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.
Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply:
"Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."
Submitted by: James O.
Militarisms
Useful Military Warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
- U.S.A. Ammo
Submitted by: Mike H.
Tree Hugger
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an Anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland.
There, was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she countered a spotted owl that attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch!!!
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau Of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a Recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Submitted by: Janet N.
Lost in the Darndest Places
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Submitted by: Marilyn L.
Truck Driver
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers he window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
Submitted by: Cindy C.
Today's Ebonic word from the Louisiana Public School System
OMELETTE
Let's use it in a sentence:
'I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.'
President's Library Destroyed
GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL
LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas
(AP) June 18th, 2007
A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.
The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of his books were kept. Both of the books have been lost.
A presidential spokesperson said the President was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.
Submitted by: Cindy C.
Elephants and their Memory
Amazing elephant story – sort of like the one about the New Orleans Zoo and the elephant from there that went to the retirement compound and met up with an elephant she had been in the circus with years ago. Sort of.
Here's a heart warming story for you.
DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY!
I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting . . .
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1987, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Submitted by: Tom S.
Barbie Dolls
A man waited until the last minute to buy a Christmas gift for his daughter. He rushed to the store and asked the clerk, " What can I get my daughter?". The clerk said, " Well, we have Barbie dolls on sale now. You can get nurse Barbie for 19.99, or stewardess Barbie for 19.99, doctor Barbie for 19.99, or teacher Barbie for 19.99, and divorce Barbie for 260.99."
"260.99 for divorce Barbie ! " the man exclaimed.
"Yes, sir because divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture................"
Real Places
Real Places You Might Consider (Not) Visiting On Your Next Vacation
Gay Head, Massachusetts
Dicks Head, Kenya
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Dildo, Newfoundland
Mount Dick,
Adams Island New Zealand
Gays, Illinois
Fort Gay, Wyoming
Screw River, New Guinea
Cumming, Georgia
Dykesville, Louisiana
Sappho's Leap, Levkas Greece
Dykes Crossroads, Tennessee
Oral,
South Dakota
Big Hole, Montana
Blue Balls, Pennsylvania
Presidential Advice
One night George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing beside him. Bush looks up and asks, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an
honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises,
then fades away.
The next night, Bush is astir again when he sees
the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving silently around the bedroom.
Bush calls out: "Tom, please, what's the best thing I could do to
help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did,"
Jefferson advises, and then dims from sight.
The third night
sleep still evades Bush. He sees the ghost of FDR hovering over his
bed. Bush lowers his voice and asks, Franklin, what's the best thing
I could do to help the country?"
In that golden voice of his,
FDR replies, "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," and then he
disappears.
Bush still isn't sleeping well the fourth night. He
tosses and turns, and suddenly another figure moves out of the
shadows. It's the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe," Bush pleads,
"what's the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Lincoln pauses, then replies, "Go see a play."
Submitted by: Cindy C.
Work Virus
Virus Alert!
There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...
DO NOT OPEN IT
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via e-mail or
are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an
e-mail to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap...
I'm off to the pub."
The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch).
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Huckleberry Hound" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.
Please engage brain before speaking:
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
Fishing for Surfers
Two men are fishing at a lake that is also used by windsurfers. Of course the surfers disturb the fish, and this annoys the fishermen.
After some time, when another surfer passes them, one of the fishermen picks up a stone and throws it at the surfer. He hits the surfer's head, and the surfer falls from the board and sinks immediately.
When he doesn't appear again, the two decide to rescue him. So they row to the place where the surfer drowned and one of them strips and jumps into the water. When he comes up again, he brings a lifeless body with him, and they heave it into the boat. Since the body doesn't show any signs of life, one of the fishermen start to give him the `kiss of life'.
After the first puff of air he gasps, "Man, this guy's really got bad breath!"
The other one takes a closer look and asks very quietly, "Are you sure the one you hit wore skates?"
I like the way you're Thinking
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well the answer is four", said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well", said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No", said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Web page Last Updated: 26 September 2024