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Birthday Remembrance

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Submitted by: Janet N.

 

Where have you been?

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

 

I enjoy your company most when I am by myself.

 

Little Lady

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Submitted by: Marilyn L.

 

Wrong Address

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper, on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

YOUR LOVING HUSBAND

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!

 

 

Celebrity License Plates

1HIT1DER -- Ricky Martin

NU CLEVGE -- Britney Spears

20K LAID -- Wilt Chamberlain

JAILBTCH -- Robert Downey, Jr.

HAD MILK -- Pamela Anderson Lee

OUTOFST8 -- Hillary Rodham Clinton

C MY BRA -- Brandi Chastain

IM STR8 -- Tom Cruise

K8ODIDIT -- O.J. Simpson

PEN IS -- John Bobbitt

VOAT4ME -- Dan Quayle

 

Pick One

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

 

Midlife For Women

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves... and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife ...jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions- What is life: Why am I here?..How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

 

Science is everything we understand
 well enough to explain to a computer.
 Art is everything else.
- David Knuth

 

 

Zipper

A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again.

The Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more.

She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.

She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!"

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

 

 

Boobs

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

|o||o| android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

 

 

From the Mouths Of Babes2

1. NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2. HONESTY|
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

3. OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

4. KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

5. MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

6. POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

7.POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

8. ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

9. DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

10. DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

11. SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk."

12. BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Submitted by: Peggy W.

 

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic Highway Patrolman
that spent all night New Year's Eve
handing out I.U.D.s?

 

 

Hillary

Bush, Clinton and Hillary were all in a car accident together. When they arrived at the gates of heaven god was there to meet them.

He said to Bush who are you and Bush said I am a former President of the United States, and God said you are welcomed to heaven.

He then look at Bill Clinton and said who are you?

Bill Clinton replied I am the President of the United States.

And God said you are welcomed to Heaven.

He then turned to Hillary Clinton and said who are you?

Hillary Clinton said I am the First Lady AND I THINK YOU ARE IN MY SEAT!!!

 

 

Slogans Promoting Nat'l Condom Week

1. cover you stump before u hump

2. before u attack her, wrap your whacker

3. dont be silly, protect your willy

4. when in doubt, shroud your spout

5. dont be a loner, cover your boner

6. you cant go wrong if you sheild your dong

7. if you're not goin to sack it, go home and whack it

8. if you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9. if you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize

10. it will be a sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. she wont get sick if you wrap your dick

12. if you go in to heat, package your meat

3. while you're undressing venus, dress up your peni

14. when you take off her pants and blouse slip up your trouser mouse

15. especially in december, gift wrap your member

16. never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. dont be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. the right selection will protect your erection

19. wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. a crank with armor will never harm her

21. no glove, no love!

 

 

Chinese couple

There is this just married Chinese couple decided to make love on the wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from a shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in bed with all the lights switched off. While the husband is out, a thief came into the room. The wife did not notice this and thought that it was her husband. She grabs the man and happily begins screwing away. Afterwards, the wife was so exhausted that she feel asleep almost immediately.

In the mean time, the husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents on him. He asked the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asks him which does he want... "The white condom, the lowest quality, are 15 cents each. The black condom, which are of average quality, are 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

The husband, wanting the best condom for the money he had on him, bought the black condom. When he reach the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumps onto his wife and started making love. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she enjoyed the session. Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy.

Years later, when the boy grows up, he ask the father "Pa, why am I black and you are white?" To which the father replies "You are damn lucky already, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!