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Biker Super Bowl

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two"' and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.

Well, when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil himself.

As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!" The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch.

The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it now?"

Still the bad-ass biker responds by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets. The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it. Undaunted, the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

Now the Devil is just plain pissed, so he turns the thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?

 

The trouble with doing something right the first time
 is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

 

Italian

Ima talka to my frien' Luigi and I say "Hey Luigi, you like-a women with long-a greasy black hair". Luigi say, "NO WAY!"

I say "Well, you like-a women be big and-a fat and-a eatsa spagetti alla time?. Luigi say "NO WAY!".

I say "You like-a woman have very close veins" he say "whatsa very close veins?", I say "they be very close o the surface", Luigi say "no, I no like no varicose veins"

I say "then why you go and f*ck-a my wife?"

 

Pet Frog

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet, but after looking around she realized all the pets were very expensive.
A clerk came up and asked if there was something he could help her with.

"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all yours are so expensive!"

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?? For a frog??" said the woman.

"It's a special frog. It gives blowjobs."

The woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're both happy.

The woman goes to bed, but around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and gets to the kitchen to see her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?"

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!"

Submitted by: Cindy C.

 

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name
of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

 

Boxing Tattoo

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor, and is wanting a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Riddick Bowe and the other thigh. In order to draw the tattoos, she had to drop her drawers.

After the tattooist finished drawing Mike Tyson on one thigh, she said, "That doesn't look like Mike Tyson!"

"Yes, it does," said the tattooist.

The lady reluctantly agreed. Then he drew Riddick Bowe on the opposite thigh. Once again she said, "That doesn't look like Riddick Bowe!"

"Yes, it does," said the tattooist.

At that very moment a man walks into the parlor, and the lady asks for the man's opinion. She said, "Does this look like Mike Tyson?"

"HELL NO!!!!!" the man replied.

"Does this look like Riddick Bowe?"

"HELL NO!!!!!" the man replied again, "But the guy in the middle sure looks like Don King!!

 

Please engage brain before speaking:

"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."

-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.

 

Ladder to Success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me, or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was a lady who was quite attractive. "Screw me now, or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me....or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"

Submitted by: Cindy C.

 

Musician Jokes

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless

What is the difference between an oboe and a basoon?
The basoon burns longer.

What is the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up an oboe.

How can you tell if an oboe is playing out of tune??
The rest of them notice..

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? ?
The stiffs inside the coffin.

How many country and western bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Five. One. Five. One. Five. ...

What is the difference between a soprano and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

What is the range of a trombone?
50 yards, if you have a good arm.

What do you call a trombone player with a beeper
An optimist.

How do you know if a drummer is playing on a level stage?
He's drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

How can you get a drummer to play quieter?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How do you know if a drummer is knocking on your door?
Slows down.

How do you know if a singer is knocking on your door?
When they don't have a key and don't know when to come in.

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten. One to do the work and 9 to say "I could have done it better."

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb
Who cares when the pianist can do it with their left hand?

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.

A guy walks into a shop. He says "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

Submitted by: Cindy C.

 

Night Before Christmas (Microsoft)

---- A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS ----

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

 

That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore

 

Not There

Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has done lot of sins and one day he has decided to go to the church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest.

"Father, I am sinful. "

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her aunt, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the priest was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except you and me."

 

100 MPH

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off all of your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from the gas station down the road." She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road.

When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late-he's too far in!!!"

 

Etch-A-Sketch FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

 

He Plans to End the World in Three Days

God decides it's time for the end of the world, but He wants to give the world some warning so everybody can prepare. So he calls the three most influential men on earth -- Jerry Falwell, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates- to an early demise, tells them He plans to end the world in three days, and sends them back to earth.

Jerry Falwell gets on TV and tells his nationwide congregation "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is: We were right all along: God exists! The bad news is: The world is coming to an end in three days. But we still have time to repent. So repent now!"

Boris Yeltsin goes before the Duma and tells them: "I've got some bad news and I've got some worse news. The bad news is: We were wrong all along. God exists! The worse news is: The world is coming to an end in three days, and we don't have time to reform."

Bill Gates gets back to Microsoft, calls his staff together and says: "I've got some good news and I've got some great news! The good news is God thinks I'm one of the three most influential men on earth. The great news is: We don't have to fix Windows `95!"