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Talking Duck

A talking duck waddles into a store and asks the sales guy, "Got any grapes?"

"No," answered the guy.

The duck waddles out. A little later it returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The clerk replies, "No! Like I told you fifteen minutes ago--I don't have any grapes!"

The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later he's back again, asking, "Got any grapes?"

In a real snit now, the clerk yells, "No I don't have any goddamn grapes!

You come back in here again, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

Later that day the duck comes back and asks the guy, "Got any nails?"

The guy says "NO!"

The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?"

 

Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

 

Texas Rancher

A Texas Panhandle rancher and his wife were bickering while on holiday in France. They were still hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter arrived the rancher said: "I'll have a big, thick porterhouse steak."

The waiter replied: "Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

To which the rancher replied, "She'll have a salad."

Submitted by: Tom S.

 

Can Of Spinach

As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of spinach, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.

In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.

In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"

In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."

 

New Stamp

The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp earlier this year with a picture of President Bush to honor his achievements while in office.

However, it was found that in daily use the stamps were not sticking to envelopes so they were recalled.

The President established a blue ribbon commission to determine the reason for such a defect.

After a month's testing, the commission made the following findings:

1. The stamp was found to be in perfect order.

2. There was nothing wrong with the consistency of the applied adhesive.

3. People were just spitting on the wrong side.

 

New Scam

WARNING:

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red-light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Monday and 5 times Wednesday.

I wasn't able to find them today.

Submitted by: Peggy W.

 

What do you get if you cross a Pigeon with a Woodpecker?
A bird which knocks before delivering a message.

 

Frame Job

A few friends had gathered in Bob's basement rec room for an evening of drinks and dancing. With the party in full swing, one of the girls excused herself to go to the john. This room, it seems, had been newly painted in a charming pastel blue; it was supposed to be a fast-drying enamel, but it hadn't dried fast enough, and the young lady found herself stuck. Her shrieks brought Joe's girl friend, who, unable to do anything about the situation herself, summoned Joe. After several minutes of uncontrolled laughter, Joe managed to produce a screw driver and detach the thing, permitting the girl to stand up. But they still couldn't get it off, so they called a doctor.

"Did you ever see anything like this before, doctor?" the girl asked in embarrassment when the M.D. arrived.

"Well, yes," the doctor replied truthfully, "but I believe this is the first time I've ever seen one framed."

 

Injun Trouble

Back in the old Wild West, (probably someplace around Tombstone) there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave, who were a few apples shy of a bushel.

One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the *&$^@#)! burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two dimwits made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars nearly in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"