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Flying Manners

Everyone should be required to review this document and sign a statement agreeing to be ejected from the airplane at 30000 feet if they do not comply prior to flying, especially the bad ones (and you know who you are).

1. Learn some elementary physics: That bag will NOT fit into the overhead compartment.

2. Try to be smarter about seating: If you have poor bladder control, perhaps a window seat isn't a good choice for you.

3. Stewardesses do not have ESP; learn the proper use of the CALL button.

4. Newspapers: wide; seats: narrow. Don't open your newspaper right into my field of view unless you're willing to let me finish reading that column.

5. If you insist on reading my computer screen, I insist on typing disparaging comments about you.

6. Children travel best in one of two forms: (1)
muzzled and heavily sedated; (2) checked baggage.

7. No one cares how much of a frequent flyer you are, unless you're in First Class; shut up, sit down, and buckle in like everyone else.

8. And if you *are* in First Class, cut the smug routine; we all know you got there on an upgrade.

9. If the seat in front of you is occupied, learn how to operate a tray table. Specifically, it is not necessary to vibrate the occupant's fillings loose when you open the table, nor is it necessary to knock out his contacts when stowing the table.

10. Your butt is bigger than you think.....watch where you point it.

11. I don't care how they do things in your home state or country, but here in the civilized world, we try to bathe at least once within the week prior to air travel. This helps prevent accidental deployment of the air bags during flight.

12. If you still decide to *not* bathe prior to air travel, at least try to leave SOME of that cheap perfume in the bottle, okay?

13. Your briefcase goes under the seat in *front* of you, not the seat directly *beneath* you. MY LEGS go under the seat beneath you. If you INSIST on providing comfortable leg room for yourself by sliding your briefcase into the space where my feet were resting, expect to retrieve said briefcase with a NEW lock combination. And yes, it will be locked, so be sure to keep the boarding pass for your connecting flight on *you*, and not in your briefcase.

14. Flying is like camping: Whether in your bags, in your stomach or on your person, you should leave with the same amount of stuff you started with.

 

Please engage brain before speaking:
"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".

 

Bride and Groom

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

Now - the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

 

New business terms

Dilberted
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To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Link Rot

--------
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Object Value

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In industrial design, a measure of consumers' immediate desire for an object, even before they know or understand what it does. "Gassee may be nuts, but at least the BeBox has great object value."
Chip Jewelry

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A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet

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A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play

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A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait

---------------
The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe

-------
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Submitted by: Richard S.

 

 

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose
of a middle name is so he can
tell when he's really in trouble.

 

Iraqi Consequences

At a hastily called press conference this morning, Iraqi Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any military action was taken against Iraq, the Iraqi authorities would cut off America's supply of Convenience Store Managers and Cab Drivers!

Submitted by: James O.

 

Watch What You Say...

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in fo! cus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yea, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Submitted by: Sandy E.

 

Ballerinas are always on their toes.
Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

 

He Has The Gift

A middle aged women decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "

I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady,I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said," Okay, okay,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, ...how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"No", she said.

So he replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Submitted by: Cindy C.

 

Money

It can buy a House...............But not a Home

It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock................But not Time

It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge

It can buy you a Position......But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health

It can buy you Blood............But not Life

It can buy you Sex..............But not Love

So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,

and as your Friend I want to take away

your pain and suffering..............

So send me all your money..........

And I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!

Thought this was gonna be one of those

"inspirational" ones, didn't you????

Submitted by: Rick L.

 

Shawn's Secret Project

Shawn started working weekends and late into the nights on a secret project. Finally, after months of work, he went to his friend Bill's house to show him the fruits of his labor. "Check this out," he said. "I made it!" And he proudly handed his buddy a seventeen-dollar bill.

"It's a beautiful counterfeit," said Bill admiringly, "but you're never going to get anywhere with a seventeen-dollar bill."

"Oh, yeah?" Shawn was furious. "Just wait!" And he ran to the deli on the corner. A few minutes later he came back, beaming from ear to ear.

"Well?" asked Bill.

"Told you he'd give me change," declared Shawn proudly. "And look! Two seven-dollar bills and a three."

 

The Problem With Modern Art

The junior sales manager complained to his wife of aches and pains. Neither could account for his trouble.
Arriving home one night from work, he informed her, "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable.

We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."

 

Male vs Female

Excerpts from "The Rants", by Dennis Miller

I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don't want to feel too threatened.

So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex." Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes.

Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:

ONE- We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That's it.

TWO- Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't talk.

THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of numchucks, all right?

FOUR- Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the fifty-seventh time?

FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."

SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at The Drink when I was single.

SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.

EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?

NINE- Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"

TEN- be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?

Equal time-Here is what Dennis Miller says women really want in his Rants book

....Does size really matter? I don't know, what do women want? Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man.

Let's see, the myth is that women want... Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right? And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men:

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jackoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....

FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?