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Dinner Date

A college student falls head over heals for one of the girls in his class and asks her out to dinner. He is really crazy about her so he pools all of his savings and takes her to the nicest restaurant he can find, and encourages her to order whatever she wants. Well, she takes him to his word and orders and orders and orders and eats and eats and eats! As she packs away course after course, barely pausing to say a word, the poor student watches his life savings dwindle away. Finally, voice shaking, he tries to slow her down a little:

"Wow, you sure have quite an appetite. Do you eat at home like that too?"

"No." says the girl, "but then, my mom's not out to get laid, now is she?"

Submitted by: Allen L.

 

Brunette Jokes

LONG AWAITED BRUNETTE JOKES Well, the blondes finally got together and got back at them brunettes.
Here's their revenge:

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache

 

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT....

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.

What do you call a freezer full of blondes?
Frosted Flakes

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all entered a contest to swim the breast stroke across the English channel. They all started at the same time. 22 hours later, the brunette struggled to shore, followed 45 minutes later by the red head. Hours go by and there is no sign of the blonde. Just as folks are about to give her up for lost, the blonde struggles to the shore and falls over totally exhausted. Everyone crowds around her, asking what happened. She says, "I hate to be a sorry loser, but I think the others cheated and used their arms."

Submitted by: Carl F.

 

If ignorance is bliss,
why aren't more people happy?

 

Aviation

Various mechanisms exist for pilots who wish to anonymously report errors and omissions in the cockpit, in the hope that others will not repeat their mistakes. The May 1983 "Flight Safety Focus"(#43) carried a report of an incident which one hopes has only happened once in the history of aviation.

Log entry from pilot: "Autoland carried out. The aircraft landed very firmly and well to left of centerline. Most unsatisfactory."

Engineer's entry: "Autoland not fitted to this aircraft..."

 

You've Been Out Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing.

So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So you've been drinking again!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Submitted by: Tom S.

 

Intercourse

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said:

"Jake do we still have intercourse?"

Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a thousand times... We have blue cross !!"

 

Foul Language Substitute

INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that certain individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO...

TRY SAYING: "Perhaps I can work late."
INSTEAD OF: "When the fuck do you expect me to do this?"

TRY SAYING: "I'm certain that is not feasible."
INSTEAD OF: "No fucking way!!"

TRY SAYING: "Really?"
INSTEAD OF: "You've got to be shitting me."

TRY SAYING: "Perhaps you should check with . . . ."
INSTEAD OF: "Tell someone who gives a shit."

TRY SAYING: "Of course I'm concerned."
INSTEAD OF: "Ask me if I give a shit."

TRY SAYING: "I wasn't involved in the project."
INSTEAD OF: "It's not my fucking problem."

TRY SAYING: "That's interesting."
INSTEAD OF: "What the fuck?!?!"

TRY SAYING: "I'm not sure I can implement this."
INSTEAD OF: "Fuck it. It won't work."

TRY SAYING: "I'll try to schedule that."
INSTEAD OF: "Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?"

TRY SAYING: "Are you sure this is a problem?"
INSTEAD OF: "Who the fuck cares?"

TRY SAYING; "He's not familiar with the problem."
INSTEAD OF: "He's got his head up his ass."

TRY SAYING; "Excuse me, sir?"
INSTEAD OF: "Eat shit and die motherfucker."

TRY SAYING: "So, you weren't happy with it?"
INSTEAD OF: "Kiss my ass."

TRY SAYING: "I'm a bit overloaded at this moment."
INSTEAD OF: "Fuck it! I'm on salary."

TRY SAYING: "I don't think you understand."
INSTEAD OF: "Shove it up your ass!"

TRY SAYING: "I love a challenge."
INSTEAD OF: "This job sucks."

TRY SAYING: "You want me to take care of that?"
INSTEAD OF: "Who the hell died and made you boss?"

TRY SAYING: "I see."
INSTEAD OF: "Blow me."

TRY SAYING: "Yes, we really should discuss it."
INSTEAD OF: "Another fucking meeting!!!"

TRY SAYING: "I don't think this will be a problem."
INSTEAD OF: "I really don't give a shit."

TRY SAYING: "He's somewhat insensitive."
INSTEAD OF: "He's a fucking prick."

TRY SAYING: "She's an aggressive go getter."
INSTEAD OF: "She's a ball busting bitch."

TRY SAYING: "I think you could use more training."
INSTEAD OF: "You don't know what the fuck you're doing."

Submitted by: Peggy W.

 

Czech train

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks:

"Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss and I get slapped."

And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier."

 

Cheapo's

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

 The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

 "You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

 "Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

 

Love may be blind,
but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

Wax Job

Met a guy in Las Vegas who really looked down in the dumps, and I asked him if he'd been cleaned out at the casinos.

He said, "It's worse than that. I blew almost all my dough, and then I was propositioned by this really great looking hooker as I was walking along the Strip. I told her I was nearly broke, and she said, 'For sure you've still got a hundred bucks for a quick one,' but I said, 'Nope - don't have near that much.'

"'Well, how about fifty bucks for a blow job?' "And I said, 'Nope - don't have fifty bucks left.'

"'Well then,' she says, 'I can let you have a hand job for $25.'

"And I said, 'Really, I'd love to, but I don't even have that much left.'

"So she says, 'How about a wax job for five bucks?' And I tell her I've never heard of a wax job, but she says, 'Whadda ya got to lose?' and we go behind a parked car in Bally's parking lot. So, I give her the five dollars and then she kicks me in the nuts so hard the wax blows out of my ears.'"

 

Whodunit

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything, that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

 

Bad Blonde

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."

The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."

( . . . long pause . . . )

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?

 

My wife bought me a a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns orange....
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark.....
on her forehead!

30 Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

3. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

4. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

5. Bar food again!? Kick ass.

6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

7. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

8. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

9. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

10. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

11. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

12. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

13. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

14. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

15. You are so much smarter than my father.

16. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.

17. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

18. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

19. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

20. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

21. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

22. I'll be out painting the house.

23. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.

24. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

25. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

26. Your mother is way better than mine.

27. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.

28. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire.

29. Do these pants make my butt look too small?

30. Hey, quick. Pull my finger.

Submitted by: Rick L.