0006

Anecdotes On Old Institutions

I agree that The Bay is a very special company for Canada for its long and "colourful" history, but I *think* it's a youngster in comparison to certain European companies (although I couldn't name one). I remember hearing a story of an American company negotiating a business deal with a Swedish steel company. In the proposition sent to Europe, the American company mentioned some reliability concerns and asked for proof that they could count on the Swedish company still being there in a year. In a terse letter, the Swedish firm replied that since they had existed more than four times the age of the USA, they didn't see why they would not be there the next year...

Comparable anecdote #1: At the 350th anniversary celebrations of Harvard University, one speaker said, "Harvard is intimately bound up with the history and culture of the United States -- an innovation in which we have taken considerable interest."

Comparable anecdote #2: Someone has calculated that there are in Europe 26 (this number is my best recollection of what was said) organizations that have been in continuous existence for at least five hundred years: the Parliament at Westminster, the Althing (parliament) of Iceland, the Roman Catholic Church, and 23 universities.

Anecdote #3, told by Greg Benford: At an Oxford college, they were debating what to do with all their money. The consensus was to buy land, since "for the past thousand years, land has proven to be a very wise investment for the college."

The crusty old patriarch piped in, "True, but the past thousand years have been atypical."

 

My Mother Taught Me 2

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

 

Politically Correct Re-definition:
It's not called gossip anymore.
It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

 

Boating

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

 

Origins of Man's Sex Life

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Another version...

And It Was So

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."
And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so !!

 

Male & Female Interpretations

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

 

If you take an Oriental person and
 spin him around several times,
 does he become disoriented?

 

Tie Pun

Guy tries to enter a night club, but the bouncer tells him, "Sorry, you need a tie."

So he goes out to his car, but the only thing he can find is a pair of jumper cables, which he ties around his neck.

The bouncer looks at him, and says, "OK, you can go in. But don't try to start anything

Submitted by: Allen L.Guy tries to enter a night club, but the bouncer tells him, "Sorry, you need a tie."

So he goes out to his car, but the only thing he can find is a pair of jumper cables, which he ties around his neck.

The bouncer looks at him, and says, "OK, you can go in. But don't try to start anything

Submitted by: Allen L.

 

Pick-up line of the day

He said....
Have I shown you my magic watch ?

She said......
No, what does it do ?

He said.....
It's telling me you are not wearing any underwear

She said....
Well your watch is wrong because I am wearing underwear

He said....
It must be an hour fast.

Submitted by: Rick L.

 

Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh , I use a hole in the trunk of a tree".

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly". She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here".

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees" said Tarzan.

 

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars
in the universe and he'll believe you.
 Tell him a seat has wet paint on it
 and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

 

Three pregnant women at lunch

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, _how_ do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, {it8 I'm} going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when _my_ child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing....

"I'm going to have a puppy!"

 

Biology of Snack Cakes

by Eric Kollenberg

I. INTRODUCTION

As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this planet (Earth) is divided into three basic groups - plants, animals, and snack cakes. Although volumes of boring mater- ial have been written about the former two subjects, there is a notable lack of reference material covering the latter. So I made some up.

II. EVOLUTION AND CLASSIFICATION

Snack cakes developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if you look on the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can find samples nearly that old), when the seas were full of Campbell's primordial soup. This prehistoric mixture of propylene glycol, potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium citrate, primitive emulsifiers, and other "building blocks of snack cake" spawned the first one-celled crumbs. Eventually, these crumbs began to colonize around central specialized cells called endofill (known to the layperson as "creme filling"). The colonies developed into types: spongospores and diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the former is the common Twinkie (_Hostus* hostilus_), the latter is typified by the primitive "Suzy Q" (_Hostus satanis_). In a bid for survival, some varieties, such as the _Hostus hostum_ (Ho-Ho) and the _Hostus zippum_ (Ding-Dong) evolved protective inedible outer shells, or exofrostings.

There are many gaps in the scheme, such as the common crumb cake, which some have suggested has an extraterrestrial origin, and the mythical "Little Debbie." However, these topics are outside the scope of this paper, which is another way of saying that I'm getting tired of typing.

III. BIOCHEMISTRY

What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for the behavior of these species? What are the chemical reactions occurring within the cell tissue? Do I look like a chemist? How the hell should I know?

IV. FEEDING

The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world. Resembling a food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the grocery store shelf. Then it dives down the throat of the unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The Suzy-Q now turns itself inside out like a feeding starfish, and digests the victim with its potent creme filling.

V. REPRODUCTION

"Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you don't think I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you? Actually, I'd be glad to (especially for money), but the breeding habits of snack cakes have never been observed. This is something of a mystery, since more specimens are always being sighted under car seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of vending machines. Speculation about the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie have... Naahh, that's too disgusting to even think about.

VI. SOURCES

1. Daniken, Erich von, _Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying Saucer Pyramid Gods_ 1969.

2. Ibid, William, _Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography_ 1947.

3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills and Eats Her" 1 Mar 1986 _National Devourer_.

4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer, Improves Sex Life, Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears" 1 Jan 1985 _Midnite Globule_.

* Hostess is a registered trademark of the Hostess Artificial Food Substitute Division of I.T.T., an exporter of international corruption. It is used without permission, for which hordes of oily lawyers will probably descend on me and cut out my lungs with a hacksaw.

by Eric Kollenberg

 

Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

 

If tomorrow never comes,
then, you're dead.