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Little Liar Johnnie

One evening as a family was eating dinner, the mother knowing that her young son Johnnie had been telling lot's of lies as of late, announced that she had made arrangements for her son to go over to talk to their priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were compulsive liars.

The mother asks her son if he would go over to the parsonage and help the priest with some chores. So Johnnie being a very helpful kid went over.

At answering the door the priest ask Johnnie if he was at church Sunday, of course he lied and said yes.

"Well," said the priest, "I guess you seen what happened at church Sunday?"

"Yes" said Johnnie lying.

"Well I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come through the front door and up the aisle grabbing people from their seats and eat them alive?"

"Yeah" said Johnnie.

"Well I guess you saw that little dog come in right behind him, and stare each other down right in the middle of the church?"

"Yeah" said Johnnie, lying again.

After a few moments of silence the priest finally looked Johnnie straight in the eye and ask Johnnie if he honest to God believed that story.

Johnnie replied, without a quiver, "I sure do preacher, that was my Dog!"

Good night

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the **** Up!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:

"Good Night, Sergeant"

 

Couple Of Owls

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

 

115 Year Old Man

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."

 

Mildred & Chester

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their nineties when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night.

Having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk sateen nightie he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.

Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk sateen nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mothers. It is hanging there down to her belly button; gravity having taken it's course over some ninety years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more.

Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says "Chester I have acute angina".

Chester says " I sure hope so. Your tits look like hell."

 

Little Girl

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber smiles at her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobies someday, too."

Submitted by: Carl F.

 

Condom Sizes

A man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun. She asked what size he needed.

He said he didn't really know.

So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test. When he went outside, the girl sneaked around the fence.

When he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a hand-job. When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him a blow job. When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.

When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?" He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms; but I do want 8 feet of that fence!"

 

How many weeks are there in a light year?

 

Airport Ticket Agent Terminology

This was given to me by an Continetal airline gate attendant at Newark International Airport. We had been standing around chatting for a couple of hours while a plane was flown in to take me on a MUCH delayed flight.

This was on-line, on his computer at the counter at the gate. After he read it to me I expressed a wish that I could have a printout. Lo-and-behold he had a dot matrix printer under the counter and made a printout for me on the spot.

I suspect that this is quite old since the printout was all upper case, and did not have quotes, parenthesis, or apostrophes.

Nick Beeson
CO DATA PAGE TERMINOLOGY CAT:BTN SUB:DES PGE:TRM

As you are all aware, the airlinr industry in which we work has it's own unique set of terminology. The following are some of the most commonly used terms and their definitions.
PASSENGER -
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.

PRE-BOARD -
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.

VOLUNTARY OVERSALE -
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.

NO-RECORD -
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

NON-REVENUE POSITION -
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.

GROUP -
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.

SIGN -
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

POSITION CLOSED -
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."

BAGGAGE CLAIM -
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."

CARRY ON BAG -
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.

FLIGHT SCHEDULE -
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

ON-TIME -
An obscure term, meaning unknown.

FOG -
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL -
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.

TICKET AGENT -
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.

 

Two Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after awhile they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

"IMPOSSIBLE!", said the groom broom. We haven't even swept together yet!

 

Y2K clearance Sale

FOR SALE:
200 canned hams
100lbs. dried beans
2000 gal. fresh water(including underground tank)
5000 watt propane generator
75 MRE'S
800 assorted canned vegetables
8 cases sterno (24 per case)
18 boxes matches
2000 rounds of 45 caliber bullets
10 cases 12 ga. shotgun shells
50 "D" cell batts.
75 "AA" batts.
47 "AAA" batts.
1 solar powered radio
4 cases powdered protein
1 milk cow
1 bull
7 laying hens
1 rooster
40x60 underground shelter (with separate livestock quarters)
1 wood burning stove
8 cords wood
43 assorted magazines (12 adult related)
12 flashlights
8 kerosene lamps
16 military blankets
many other misl. survival items.

all items sold together or separately bids will be accepted starting 1/2/00. serious offers only.

 

Magic Mirror

Three beautiful women walk into a night club. One redhead, one brunette, and one blonde. The bar tender suggests that a Magic Mirror in the ladies room might just make them rich. "Look in the mirror, study yourself, tell the truth, and see what happens... But I warn you, if you lie, you'll be sucked into the mirror and disappear for ever."

The redhead, being brave, heads to the ladies room. "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in this club". Out comes $1Million. The brunette, seeing a good thing, takes her turn. "I think I'm the smartest woman in this club". Out comes the keys to a Lambroghini. Unable to resist, the blonde gives it a try.
"I think..." at which point she disappears into the mirror...

Submitted by: Cindy C.

 

If someone with multiple personalities
threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?

 

In My Hand

Eighty year old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

 

Piccolo

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.

"Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold, and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

 

Famous Sea Captain

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

"Port Left, Starboard Right"

 

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.