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The Workaholic

A workaholic finally decided to take a long overdue vacation. He booked a Caribbean cruise and was having the time of his life... until the boat sank! He found himself swept onto a desert island. Six lonely months later, he is lying on the beach when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

"Where did you come from?" he asks.

"I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my ship sank" she says.

"Amazing". "You were really lucky to have a row-boat wash up with you".

"Oh this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But that's impossible," stutters the man, "You had no tools. How did you manage?"

"Oh, no problem", replies the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools." The guy is stunned.

"Lets row over to my place." She says. She docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow.

"It's not much but I call it home," she says. "Would you like another drink?"

"No thank you," he says still dazed. "Can't take any more of that coconut juice"

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have my own still. How about a Pina Colada while I slip into something more comfortable." She returns wearing nothing but vines and a strategically placed shell necklace.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here a long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months," her hands sliding over his legs.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck! "You mean." he gasps, "I can actually check my e-mail from here?"

Submitted by: Dana T.

 

Number of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
Route 666 - Highway of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

 

Q. What is the difference between a bonus and a boner?
A. Your significant other won't mind blowing your bonus...

 

Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa went to Heaven and she was walking around - checking the place out. She walked up to St Peter and said "Where would I go to make a complaint?"

St Peter told her to go see Gabriel.

She goes to Gabriel and asks "Why does Princess Di have a bigger halo than me.

Gabriel says, "SHHHHH... That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel.

Submitted by: Tom S.

 

Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

Submitted by: Cindy C.

 

Colored Condoms

A young buck went into a large store for a packet of condoms. "Have you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant, "We've got Red ones, Blue ones, Green ones, Orange ones, Yellow ones, plus a few other different colors."

"I'll try the lot" said the young man adventurously.

Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a rather sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses. The same assistant served them asking, "What bust, madam?"

"The blue one!" the young man said sadly.

 

This is an actual line out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report)
 performance appraisal for the military:
- A room temperature IQ.

 

Liquid Viagra

Viagra is now available in liquid form. Pfizer Drug officials today announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagra, in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the generic name "Mydixadud." Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.

Submitted by: Tom S.

 

Mother's Day

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

 

GWB quotes

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

Submitted by: Cindy C.

 

Be Polite

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure" says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."

 

Bumper Sticker:
On an electrician's truck,
"Let us remove your shorts."

 

Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others do. They are called "Speck Taters."

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things. They're called "Comment Taters."

Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin. They are called "Aggie Taters."

There are those who are always saying I will, but somehow, they never get around to doing. We call them "Hezzie Taters."

Some people put on a front and act like someone else. They're called "Emma Taters."

Finally, there are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others and bring real sunshine into the lives of others. You can call them "Sweet Taters."

Peace On Earth

Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we are Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks for a bit, then says "No, I don't think God will get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.

And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, Our marines could blow the shit out of him."

Submitted by: Allen L.

 

Grandma's Panties

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotchless panties.

Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home. When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on.

She said: "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?"

Grandpa said "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties..."

Submitted by: Tom S.

 

Adult Sex Quiz

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a Blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Submitted by: Sandy E.

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?