0009

Grade School Contest

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ?Who's Got the Biggest dick ".

"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside.

"Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest dick is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed.

Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As
the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said. Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called? Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee? and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

Bwaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Submitted by: Tom S.

 

Where Did I Come From

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked. "Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from New Jersey. I want to know where I came from."

Submitted by: James O.

 

Atheist and The Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a huge Kodiak brown bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right on top of him. It held him down with its left paw and raised its right paw to strike. The man screamed, "OH MY GOD!"

The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. A brilliant light shone upon the man, and a thunderous voice came from all around. "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS. YOU TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST. YOU CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU NOW? AM I TO NOW COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to act as a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL" said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped down on its knees, brought both paws together and with bowed head said "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

Submitted by: Cindy C.

 

Q: What is the difference between
 Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
 Civil Engineers build targets.

 

Never Seen A Mirror

After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's runnin' after."

 

At My Funeral

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Submitted by: Greg D.

 

In The Beginning...

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image; male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created Quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body, while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, and upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

 

Eating Right

So anyway, a guy goes into the doctor’s office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.

 The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you’re not eating right."

 

Mountain Contraceptive

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer. After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"

The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal, and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies. "And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning."

So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.

That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's Office and promptly delivered another child.

"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?"

"Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same..."

 

But are the frogs OK?

True story taken from Texas Fish and Game July 2002 issue

Two Arkansas men, Thurston Pool and Billy Ray Walis, age 33 and 38 respectively, had a mishap on the way home from a night of frog-giggin. Pool's pickup headlights quit when a fuse blew. They had no replacement, but Walis noticed a .22 rimfire cartridge from his pistol fit perfectly in the fuse holder beside the steering collum.. With the lights working, the men resumed the drive home.

Twenty miles farther down State Highway 38, just before the White Water bridge, the electrical current passing through the cartridge created enough heat to ignite the priming mixture. The round went off, striking Pool in the right testicle and causing him to swerve off the road into a tree. Pool suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but required surgery to repair the other wound. Walis, who sustained a broken collarbone, told reporters: "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead."

When police contacted Pools wife about the accident, she asked how many frogs the men had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

Submitted by: Greg D.

 

Instead of talking to your plants,
if you yelled at them
would they still grow,
only to be troubled and insecure?

 

Headstone

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.

'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them in the exact order: 1, then 2, then 3 and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope was almost twice the size of the first envelope and contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And envelope number 3?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope was a lot bigger and it contained $25,000 cash with a note, 'Please use this to buy a 'nice stone'."

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my 'nice stone'?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

 

Italian Border

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent."Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy wiv a 2 guys ina Fiat Uno."

Submitted by: Pietro B.

 

Getting Older

Now that I'm older, here is what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing,: I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded....

All reports are in. Life is now, officially, unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older, than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback, when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Submitted by: Dana T.

 

Oral Sex

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it.
Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." Replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."

Do you know what the letter said?

(scroll down)









No? You didn't get one either, huh?

Submitted by: Carlos M.